All Apologies
by SheWhoBringsDarkness
Summary: Sasuke, I suppose I'm writing this to keep my sanity. But you will never read this... you will never know the truth if I have anything to do with it. You will live in blissful ignorance of my pain and have the chance of happiness you deserve... And when I'm in hell, at least I can hold on to that...


All Apologies...

I suppose I'm writing this to keep my sanity, to get all these things I can never say off my chest. No one will ever read this I know, but I like to pretend they will, that they will know how much I wish I was never born. But I was, and it does no use to dwell on things that cannot be changed. But... I can't help how sorry I am... Especially how sorry I am for what I did for you Sasuke. You will never read this, I promise. But I have to say this in some physical form. So it will stop repeating in my head like rolling thunder.

I remember when mother and father first brought you home. I wasn't sure what to expect, and to be honest I was pretty anxious and a tad jealous. I was used to being the only child, and the center of attention. But most of all, I was nervous of taking on the responsibility of being a big brother.

"Itachi, come meet your new little brother!" Said Mikoto warmly with excitement from the living room, followed by cooing, as if you were calling for me as well. I walked into the room hesitantly, my dark eyes alive with apprehension and curiosity. At first all I saw was father next to mother with a small bundle in her arms, and I was surprised to see father smiling slightly. Fugaku never smiled. As I got closer to them, never taking my eyes off the bundle, I was able to see a little bit of spiky, raven hair. And when I was within a few feet of you, you began to squirm and gurgle softly, as if you sensed my presence. I stopped and looked up at mother, who nodded at me reassuringly. My gaze fell back down to you, my feet moved on their own and I stood on my tip-toes to get a better view of you. I saw your delicate, chubby cheeks, and little button nose. Your skin was like fine porcelain, and your big black eyes were wide with wonder. You were so beautiful. You were so perfect.

"What is his name?" I asked never taking my eyes off you.

"His name is Sasuke..." Mother replied softly. I reached out and stroked your cheeks with the gentleness of a butterflies wings.  
"Sasuke..." I said, testing the name on my tongue.  
"Would you like to hold him, Itachi?" Mother asked holding you out to me. I hesitated. I didn't trust myself to hold something that seemed so breakable, so innocent in my already sin ridden hands.  
"Go on, son." Father encouraged lightly, and that was all I needed. I slowly brought my arms up and carefully took you from mom's embrace and brought you to my chest. I was enveloped in your fresh sent. That newborn baby sent, mixed with your own smell. Like the first breeze of spring. I stared down at you, you were even more beautiful up close. Your wide eyes looked up at me, alive with curiosity, and I couldn't help but smile down at you, and to my surprise your tiny lips curled into a little, toothless grin. And you giggled, unable to resist, I stroked your cheek and tickled you under the chin. You squealed and sneezed cutely, and I laughed happily, poking your nose playfully.

"Remember now Itachi, he is your little brother and you must protect him always." Said father, though he didn't have to tell me this, for I would have willingly died for you on the spot. "I will protect him with my very being..." I whispered.

I will protect you, Sasuke...

I didn't protect you little brother, and words can never describe how much I regret that. I'm so sorry Sasuke. I'm sorry I never played with you often. I'm sorry I was training all the time, and was always on missions I could never tell you about. I'm sorry you were always jealous of me, that you thought I was more special than you because I became a ninja far quicker than you. I'm sorry I never told you that I was the one jealous of you, that I hated being a ninja.  
I never wanted you to be a ninja, Sasuke. I never wanted you to be like me. And I never really told you that, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hung out with Shisui more than you, but I couldn't stand to look you in the eyes, all the trust and admiration they held for me. I'm sorry I was never a good big brother, Sasuke. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I drowned Shisui in the Nakano River, I'm sorry I lied about it. I'm sorry I killed your aunt and uncle and our little cousin just before his first birthday. I'm sorry I cut mom and dad up like animals. I'm sorry Sasuke, I'm so, so sorry.  
I don't ever want you to forgive me. I don't ever want you to find out why I really did it. I want you to kill me and get your vengeance and feel like you avenged your clan. I want you to move on with your life. And most of all, I want you to be happy. One day when I'm in hell where I belong, I want to look up and see you walking through Konoha, grinning from ear to ear next to your beautiful wife and a son that has your eyes. I want to see that boy Naruto and the rest of the village greet you with smiles and 'hello's' and treat you like the hero that killed and overcame Itachi Uchiha. And I want to see you grow old in a big house and laugh at least every other day. And when you die, everyone will mourn at your funeral and put flowers on your grave and talk about what a wonderful person you were. And your son will be your living legacy and your wife will be buried beside you. And even in death you will never have to hear or see from me again and you will be blissfully ignorant for all of eternity. That is all I want. But you will never know what I want, and that's ok Sasuke, because everything I've done was with you in mind.

And I'm sorry that I sometimes forget why you hate me then I remember that you never knew the truth. Please forget about me. Please, Sasuke. I'm sorry I told you that you wasn't strong. I'm sorry that I broke your wrist and nearly ruined your relationship with Naruto and Sakura and Kakashi. I'm so sorry, Sasuke. But... At least I said goodbye. At least you still have a chance at happiness. And after all of these apologies you will never know, I can die holding on to that.

Sasuke, my precious little brother, I will always love you no matter what you do...

Reviews are all ways appreciated along with concrit. Thank you for reading!


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